another walk around the same mountain.

I hurt. It feels like a physical force slamming into me. I’m caught up in a prison of my own making. I don’t know what to do. I want to live though. Mistake after mistake. Bad choices seem to follow me and I cannot understand why. Do I not trust God enough? Last week I was on a journey with God, I prayed and felt able to make good choices. I do not know what happened? Is it to do with what my colleague did? It was my own response that left me feeling reduced. I gossiped, complained, laid full vent to my anger and dissatisfaction, not to God but to other colleagues. I was not auntentic. From then on it was a downward spiral. The whole weekend, I spent cooped up in my room, I ate myself into oblivion, using food and sex to medicate the deadness and fear in me. I lied to get out of work for a few days and I am stuck again in that pattern. Sometimes I feel a surge of hope as I tell myself to fight and not give in, tell myself that there is something more to life. But there isnt is there? It is all a lie. You strive for things in vain, when it all means nothing. I am tired.

Confession: I will be happy one day and life will have meaning and beauty.

I will be free from my own self imposed shakles of masturbation and food and validation needing addictions.

I shall make my family proud.

progress

The last week has been interesting. I decided to fast as a way of learning to focus on prayer/focus on God whenever I am experiencing unhealthy emotions and subsequent unhelpful coping strategies. It was not always easy but yes I managed to not eat at the first sign of difficulties or just be overwhelmed with panic and the biggest thing is I did not masturbate. God’s grace has been with me. I noticed however that when I broke my fast I ate junk food – at the end of the working day when I was stressed I still ate. Today I went to church, another breakthrough and even though I still had my issues the word spoken was much needed. Matthew 8: 23…. the one where Jesus calms the storm. Yes in the storms I have gone through from childhood, it has seemed like Jesus was asleep throughout, however Jesus never refused to heal those who asked. So where am I going wrong, so I can focus on the right thing? Today after church I have battled temptation to masturbate, so I have eaten instead – the hunger was so acute. He is my anchor through this. I am fasting again this coming week from tomorrow – this time I will exercise discretion and wont tell anyone – its between Him and myself. I want a week that is Christ centred not self centred. My days are often fear filled – from the minute I leave the house I imagine that I am not good enough and everyone can see and they laugh about it – this makes me panic, my heart surges with fear and I can’t breathe or walk properly. it is very hard. This week, I will fast so I focus on Christ’s love for me, not my flaws. I want to be liked and accepted, but not at the risk of not living a fulfilling life. Goals this week:

Start the day with prayer: really talk to God and then listen in the silence

Beginner runners programme – I will go running after this

Get to work earlier/learn to be still and comfortable with silence. I will look at people in the face and smile. I will like myself even if people show me they do not like me/ I will believe I have what it takes to do this job/ I will pray instead of panicking.

Do relaxing activities after work ie go for mass/meet-ups/ or spend time reading and writing in coffee shop.

Pray and journal before bed.

I pray that God will direct all my steps in this. Amen

The beginning *reader discretion*

 

I find myself wondering what my issue really is and I can honestly say I do not know. The past converges with the present and it takes too much to sift through all the garbage. Maybe I should go back to the beginning. I assume I was a happy baby but I have my suspicions about that. What was I like? Did my mom love me? I am sure she did but I have never felt that motherly protectiveness from within, its like she was not present for the first ten years of my life before she died. I don’t remember when the sexual molestation began but I remember it from around the age of five. I adored the person who violated  me with a childs trust, he was the only older male I remember in my childhood so young as I was I did not know anything was wrong, only that I should keep it a secret. This started events in my life that had far reaching effects – even that young – around six years of age, an inappropriate relationship started between myself and a family member who was also as young as I was – I thought it was alright because I had already been introduced to this perversity. This happened for years. Was I around 8 when I suddenly realised how wrong it was, that I did not want this and it was not my choice. I wish I could forget the day, he was home from boarding school and he called me to his room – I had a voice that day so I told him no and I would tell on him and he said they would not believe me because it was my fault, I had wanted it. In my despair, I ran from home and went to church. What went through my mind that day I wonder. It did not stop. My mom was abroad for cancer treatment so she was not present to see the disintegration of  her family, my older sisters were all in boarding school or University so I was alone. One night, I said no again and slept thinking I had finally overcome this monster – only to wake up in a bed that was not my own, being raped – it is still so clear in my mind, I wish I could forget. I pretended I was still asleep even as he put me back in my own bed. I have never told this to anyone.  My own brother did this to me, reduced me to this. When I was 13/14 I got the courage to tell my older sister who then took me away from home and I have never really spoken to my brother since then – my family know but understandably it is hard for them to deal with – I always felt that I should feel sorry for him rather than myself. Part of my conflict came from excuses and reasons given for that. Like he is mentally unwell. Tell that to the 13 year old in me who is still angry. I might be 29 but I am still a little girl. The effects I still live with – The depression which never left from that day I ran to church, I feel I am not worth much, I find it difficult to make long lasting friendships and have fallen into wrong relationships, its not because I have no opportunity to have friends, I do but I am scared to open up and be myself and I believe that no one can really like me, then the big one – since the age of about five I have masturbated daily. Does it make any sense that the source of my problems – is still with me after all these years. I suppose I showed the classic symptoms of an abused child, the self isolation, the doll play and sexualised behaviour. Its funny, how I was anti boys and anti sex until marriage for years – until I was 27 and then made another big mistake involving emotional abuse, allowing myself to be used for sex because I loved that person, and ending in an arbotion – things I never thought I would do, having a faith that had protected me. It stopped protecting me the day I wanted more and thought more would come in the form of a man to protect me from my own weaknesses and issues but that’s another story for another day. So I want to understand myself and move on and heal. I struggle with masturbation – I do not want to do it but it has started to control my life and I am fed up. I do not know what the next step is. By writing this it is like a scab has been removed from a still to heal wound and its now bleeding painfully. But hope springs – the sun is shining outside my window and I shall go and enjoy it. I am alive and I shall one day thrive.

Dala x

The journey

I am acquainted with fear, sorrow, rage, hopelessness, shame, lost dreams, rejection and hurt so deep. I am also acquainted with courage, strength, and hope. In my thirty-something years on this earth, I have watched life go on by, like a child looking longingly at an attractive array of sweets and chocolate through a glass window, unbeknown to her, she has enough money in her purse that her mother put in there. I want to look in my little bag and see what I have in there to heal, grow, recover and be all that I should be. Right now I hurt and have been caught up in unhelpful, behavioural patterns and cognitions. I am ashamed that I have year after year felt the same way and wondered why nothing changed. I have made some terrible mistakes along the way but now I want to change for the better. To become closely connected to forgiveness, to the inner soul within. I will be honest – as much as I can, only because I know that someone may one day read what I write and will find it resonates with them and maybe, just maybe they will have the courage along with me to go on this difficult journey. I am scared of failing and of this being just one of many things I have started and not finished. Lord knows and I know he will be my strength.

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